My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
