69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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