The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
