Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
