I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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