He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
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We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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