my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
