Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
well you can't waste a boner
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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