there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
