No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
