it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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