when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
