i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
