The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
