I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
