Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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