I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
