threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
