His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
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It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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