No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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