He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
