I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
40s are totally the cure
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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