then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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