Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
