he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
