too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the liver wants what the liver wants
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
