Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
