i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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