I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
