You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
