I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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