And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
