Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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