Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
