My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
