I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
