i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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