He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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