I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
