I just pynch a tree in the face
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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