Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
