just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
