He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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