She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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