She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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