Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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