I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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