maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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