Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
