and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
