I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
