smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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