everyone is single if you try hard enough
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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