i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
