non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.