Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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