I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
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he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
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Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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